One of my brothers is a realtor and has been the family resource on all home sales. He called and shared the news with my parents. My mom was pleased with the news initially, and reiterated her pleasure when my sister called. When I told my parents “E” (one of two of my brothers) was coming into town to help them with the final items, my mom was excited.
When my brother E arrives to help transport them to the town house, my mom is now outraged about the sale. “Prove it” she challenges as my brother is kindly driving and help them pack final items. He quickly learns to not bring up the topic anymore but to provide simple directions and the trips go better.
After three days of travel and moving, E reports that my mom started taking things from the retirement community back to the town house. She’s returning the things she rescued the day before.
She is unable to maintain the memory and has no systems other than her calendar to help her remember. By day four he just sits next to my dad as my mom rummages through the town house with no specific idea of what she wants. All the items they want and need are already at their apartment, but we hoped this would help provide closure.
As frustrating as the process has been, sadness fills all of us linked to the event. My mom is frustrated and angry and does not seem to understand. My brother is tired. The knowledge of the lie we told weighs heavily on our hearts. We need to close down this chapter so we can guide our parents to options that will keep them safe and make the most of each day they are still here with us. Saddened.
I had to move my mother into assisted living and sell her home. The neighborhood was
dangerous and she was mentally and physically going down hill. We started casually
dropping hints that it was time for her to move. She would talk about it with us and we
thought she was coming around somewhat. Unfortunately, talking about it and reality
were two different things. Her mind only entertained the possibility and never accepted
reality. Two days before the big move, she came down sick with a UTI and this
infection caused her dimentia to go into orbit. The doctor told us this kind of infection
really caused havoc with the elderly and dimentia. The staff at the assisted living
helped us with acquiring a daily nurse for her and I stayed at night for 12 days. That’s
how sick she was. On top of getting well, her mind was in negative mode. She
could not come to terms with why she had to move. She was also in denial and would
not believe she could no longer take care of herself. So we played 50 questions over
and over until I devised a verbal game plan that would keep me from going crazy. Stretching the truth was one of the strategies. She wanted to know how much the new place cost and I told her Social Security would cover her, not to worry. I told her a nice
single guy had bought her house and would keep good care of it. (he is renting it out)
There are things that I don’t lie about. I tell her the studio apartment is her home permanently. I also tell her kindly but firmly that she wasn’t taking good care of herself
and my sister and I made the life changing decision to move her to a safe and better environment. We went through many emotions and tears but my mother is starting to adjust somewhat and things are a little better. It definitely takes time & patience. I have accepted my decision and the relief of knowing I did the right thing brings me peace. Understanding dimentia and talking with others will provide support we all need.
Thank you so much for sharing! We have gone through some very similar conversations — the money one seems to be a very big worry and helping them believe it’s covered with their planned income is huge (even when it’s not true, I recommend lying about this). I would like to cover this topic, would you be okay if I used your story (without the details or your name?)
I feel your frustration. As I keep telling my friends, being a ‘grown-up’ sometimes is a big fat drag. Especially with parents with dementia.
Yeah. It’s daunting! I am convinced I will learn from this and hopefully make it better for at least my children.
Sending loads of HUGS xox