When Dad Got Lost Driving

Nearly 9 years ago I started to share some of my caregiving stories on this blog. As the local family member who was watching her parents fail and behave in new and unusual ways, I was horrified and amused.

Some things were so odd that I couldn’t control my laughter when they happened. Thankfully, my parents would usually join in. We had a great relationship. As the baby of the family, I benefited from my older siblings being teens in teh 70’s and breaking in mom and dad. I was also the only one that stayed around after college. We shared many meals, they were around for two grand-kids, and I often tagged along on my mother’s trips to auctions for her antique’s business.

On this one day, my Dad seemed to finally acknowledge that something was wrong. He had been driving to my home for ten years and we lived a few miles away. Instead of arriving early, he showed up half an hour late and filled with anxiety — two things no one would have associated with my dad.

Driving with cognitive impairment is a risk. Now there is a huge variety to term “cognitive impairment” and in general, any noticeable loss of short-term memory could really put a driver, their passenger and others on the road at risk. Changes to the brain that result in memory loss can change thinking and behavoir.

For someone who is already losing, being asked and expected to give up something by choice, that may not seem like a risk, is a much bigger deal than we often consider. Here are a few tips from Mayo Clinic on how to bring up the subject, include them in the discussions, and incorporate their doctor to understand how their cognitive issues could impact driving.

This is usually one of the first big battles. Approach it softly, identify your concerns plainly, and listen openly to help walk this early road and maybe find a silver lining in how you resolve it. Experienced.

Finding a Live-In Arrangement That Works

Most of the individuals I work with that are still in their home want to stay there. The ongoing COVID issues have made many individuals and their families second guess community care. Finding a good solution that works is harder than it might seem, but it is worth the effort.

For solo individuals with a cognitive issue the reality is that staying in their home can be more expensive than community options. It also creates a different form of stress on the family and care team as the risks of living alone create opportunities for major catastrophes. I’ve arrived and had to call 911, battled predatory vendors, and cleaned up identity theft. Had someone been in the home, the impact of these could have been minimized or even avoided.

An ideal solution seems to be having someone live in the home. Most of my clients have unused bedrooms/bath(s) that served the family when they were raising kids and enjoying early retirement. Early on, when intermittent help is needed, most do not like the assortment of personal care assistants that have come into their home to help them. However, if you don’t need more permanent home care, you often face a shifting stream of inexperienced caregivers. The experienced caregivers usually hold out and get assigned to regular and more permanent schedules. This makes it even harder to integrate care when it is needed.

I started wondering how to use the empty bedrooms effectively in the homes of client’s to benefit them. Could we find someone that could bring energy and socialization into the home, and create an intergenerational relationship that benefits both? Is there someone in your extended friends and family that could fill this role?

Most states have rules for domestic employees, which this agreement would fall under. Virginia laws encourage these arrangements. Key components of an agreement should include:

  • Creating key tasks and time needed to fulfill these duties
  • Setting an hourly rate for duties
  • Creating time off and plans for when the individual is not staying in the home
  • Finding a lawyer to put an agreement in place (most elder law attorneys can do this and you can find them here NAELA.org)
  • Rounding our insurance to cover your risks and employment law

We just implemented this solution at one of my clients and it has already been a huge relief to know that there is someone in the home on a daily basis. The ongoing engagement is also going to benefit the homeowner. The best part is that we will also have minimized the costs of care.

Here is copy of the agreement the state of Virginia offers to help put an agreement together. You can see if your state offers this resource, on your favorite browser, type in “live in caregiver agreement” and see what may find.

I am happy to get on the phone and tell you more about how we made this work. Use this option to book a time on my schedule.

I’m hopeful that this solution might work for you. Provided.

Successful Transitions and Dementia

There are many times when it feels like it is imperative to make a change for safety or financial security. However, so often those transitions are so difficult to manage most often because the individual who is impacted doesn’t recognize the change needs to be made.

Waiting is the hardest part.

I have learned that patience and perseverance win the day. After living through forced transitions and the aftermath of emotions and anger when I was living through this with my parents, I found my shift to softer and supportive worked best.

Yes, working in tandem and going at a slower pace take more time. However, imagine if you were on the other side of the equation, isn’t that what you would want?

We arrive as caregivers with a variety of different baggage. The person that is living with cognitive impairment and dementia will have a harder time changing, so the reality is that this falls to the loved ones and support around the individual.

I am working with a client now who knows she has memory issues and a dementia diagnosis, but believes that she can manage the finances just fine on her own. To help, I’m building a monthly schedule to help her and asking the friendly visitor to put due dates on the calendar to remind her to get the bills paid. We will confirm in the background that the bills she needs to pay did indeed get paid.

I work with father/daughter team and over the holidays, the dad finally resigned as Trustee. We have had to fight predatory home service companies and this summer walked in to find a hacker had control of his computer and was starting to transfer money out of his bank account. Thankfully we stopped it in time, but then we spent nearly six months cleaning up the aftermath of the account and credit freezes we put into place. However, his daughter respected how much this meant to him and never pushed him. Over the course of the past two years, she has gently and kindly reminded him of the issues and on this visit, he finally agreed it was time to make the transition.

I know everyone doesn’t have the support and resources that some of my clients have, but I believe there are still ways to reconsider the threat and find ways to support your loved. Got an issue? I’m happy to help. Sending an email to me at Info@MemoryBanc.com. Supported.

Start the LTC Claim ASAP

In working with individuals who have Long Term Care (LTC) Insurance, I have one of our many who used it all up. Sadly, I have walked into situations where the individual has passed away before they used half of the benefits.

Initiate your claim as soon as you qualify.

I am still waiting to figure out why you wouldn’t start your claim as soon as you possibly can. What you should know is that:

  • Once your claim is approved, you NO LONGER PAY your LTC premiums.
  • While many state they are for two years, that is how they calculated the full benefits, but they continue to pay as long as your policy still has money left to cover your LTC qualifying expenses.

If it were me, I would rather use up all of the LTC insurance money before I paid for the services needed out of pocket.

Many of the policies have a distinct mention of cognitive impairment which is separate and distinct from qualification by needed help with the Activities of Daily Living (ADLs) to include bathing, walking, toileting, dressing, and eating.

I hope this might spur a few people to look into this and get the benefits flowing as soon as you or a loved one qualify. Hoped.

The Link between Dementia and Mismanaged Finances

Eureka! What I recognized anecdotally for years is now published research that concluded financial symptoms of cognitive issues are surfacing up to six years before a formal clinical diagnosis.

SIX YEARS.

You are noticing changes in your own thinking, or you are seeing changes in a loved one that is concerning, but the primary care doctor just reassures you that you are “fine.” I witnessed this all play out with my parents for years. By the time we finally had a formal diagnosis, both of my parents were diagnosed with MODERATE forms of dementia. Dad they believed to be Alzheimer’s and my mother had primarily Vascular Dementia.

If you are having more difficulty with bill pay and managing the checkbook balance, it is time to share that with a loved one and your primary care physician.

Many financial mistakes were made for many years preceding this, including the decision to stop paying for long-term care insurance. Most of my Dad’s retirement accounts were unattended and forgotten.

For more insight into this visit this Washington Post Story.

After living the journey with my parents, and now supporting individuals and families as a daily money manager, I have seen and cleaned up many of these issues. It is rewarding, but sometimes takes my breath away, when I calculate how much money was wasted or lost over the years that could have been used to help pay for their care.

The research primary looked at payment delinquency. If someone is missing bill payments, when they were prompt payers before, this change could be a sign of a cognitive issue.

If you are experiencing this, or are having trouble making your checkbook balance when that has been a lifelong habit, it’s time to share this with a loved one as well as your primary care doctor.

The earlier you identify an issue, the more options and control you can have over it’s future course. Believed.

Just say NO to Memory Supplements

While we all hope there is a quick fix to memory or cognitive issues, Consumer Reports confirmed that “By avoiding memory supplements, consumers can both save money and avoid unnecessary health risks.” You can learn more in this recent Washington Post story.

If you are noticing issues, the place to start is with your Primary Care Doctor. Are you taking drugs that might be impacting your memory and recall? Are there other factors that could be contributing to what you are noticing?

If you see your Primary Care Doctor, and are not satisfied with the recommendation or response, get a second opinion. I watched as my parent’s had issues that went unaddressed for years. It was frustrating to know something was wrong, but have their doctor’s just dismiss concerns.

Yes, it could have made a difference. If diagnosed early, individuals can be involved in planning for their future instead of us having to make our best guess on choices that had to be made for them. It was during the time we knew something was wrong that they also decided to stop paying for the long-term care insurance they been paying for nearly two decades. They have since required policy holders to designate a reporting contact so this doesn’t happen to others.

While my parents thought they had thoroughly planned everything, plans need to change when health and key members of your plans are unable to fulfill their obligations. So often spouses assume their spouse will be able to speak for them. In our case, both parents failed simultaneously. Other families report the spouse is in denial and sadly the result is the same.

I encourage you to be diligent in helping find a provider who can help you if you are noticing changes in your memory, or for a loved one if you are seeing changes in thinking and behavior.

My brother in law sent me a link to a website with resources by Biogen called CatchItEarly. They share while Alzheimer’s disease is usually diagnosed in people 65 and older, it starts earlier with subtle neurological changes occurring years or even decades before symptoms appear.  Many people are experiencing early, often unrecognized, signs of mild cognitive impairment and this site offers educational resources about the signs and resources for several drugs in clinical trials.

We still don’t have a cure, but hope the information provided is helpful to you and your family. Recommended.

Praying on Those Who Would Help

The number of COVID scams continues to grow. I got this email yesterday and wonder how many people immediately jump to volunteer — we have more time (seemingly) and we all want to help kick COVID to the curb.

What bothers me about these types of messages, besides just being poorly executed (not my email address; the “From” email address that is goobly-gook behind the name of “Clinical Research”, what is it a “Verification” of?) is that I know many people are interested in helping. The fact that a good deed gets punished by a scammer bums me out.

For those of us with loved ones that we know are feeling more isolated, the phone and computer can be a source of entertainment … and danger. I have had several clients fall for pop-ups and they called and gave out login and banking information to the bad people. Thankfully, we could shut down and recover quickly and no money has been lost — but to have it happen so frequently now tells me it’s important to be more vigilant.

For several clients, we have created a “white list” so they get their messages from the people they know, but all the others get either blocked or filtered. When we visit (or when family visits) they can go through the other messages together. Some family members do a daily check-in and filter out the bad messages. A little more vigilance can go a long way. Protected.

Adulting NEVER Ends

My day job supporting individuals who are too busy or overwhelmed by paying bills and managing a household as a Daily Money Manager has helped me refine how I want to lead the rest of my life.

I have adopted the concept of “adulting” (thank you millennials) which is described as “the practice of behaving in a way characteristic of a responsible adult, especially the accomplishment of mundane but necessary tasks.” However, I want to extend this idea to add stages of adulting that take us through the end of our lives. That is if we want to “Adult” well.

Check out this Adulting Roadmap, and let me know what you think. In my world, retirement is not a finish line, but a launchpad to new endeavors. Those in my life aging successfully have planned, are adapting, and open to sharing with their loved ones, asking for, and accepting help when it’s needed. You can listen to this podcast where I discuss this concept with Debbie Miller who hosts the podcast Move or Improve. Interviewed

If you need help getting your personal and financial information organized, you can order a copy of MemoryBanc: Your Workbook for Organizing Life on Amazon. It’s less than $17.00 and will make it easy to get to the stage of Adulting Master.

Yes, And …

It took me a while to adapt to how best work with my parents and support them through Vascular Dementia (Mom) and Alzheimer’s (Dad).

My Dad got quieter, and my Mom grew suspicious.

I participated in a program recently and our trainer discussed how using the simple sentence starter of “Yes, and …” can help validate the person you are speaking with and help create a collaborative solution to what that person just told you. It was a general business training … not one for caregiving, but I immediately saw the value in how it might help me work better with my clients and loved ones.

I’ve already used it with a client diagnosed with dementia and it has been a helpful tool to manage through some conversations that could create fear, suspicion, or worry.

As an example, here is the conversation I had with a client who has a broken front door that we are in the midst of getting repaired. While it is still minimally functional, we want to keep it closed, locked and use it as little as possible. It is possible that the handle breaks and we won’t be able to keep the door closed … or lock it. The homeowner is ignoring the note that is posted on the door and using it to let in cats and visitors.

When I mentioned the next step for the repair, he commented that “The door has always been this way. It’s alright if I keep using it.” So I responded “Yes, it has been tricky to use for several years, and the last time we got it fixed, the locksmith said if it fails again, we will need to get replacement parts. Until they arrive, we need to keep it locked and use it as little as possible. Can you help me make sure that happens?” He answered “Yes” in response and we talked through how to best do that (update signs on the door and a note to the next few days of visitors). I let him know I would help communicate the door issue to the rest of his care team visitors.

Together, we came up with a solution on how best to move forward that we both believed would work. Solved.

Managing Through the COVID Lockdowns

The community where one of my clients has been living happily for over a year, sent me a note about new cases found and the process they were going to take to test everyone. This morning I learn that my client is one of 17 residents who tested positive today and my heart breaks. My colleague was going to visit because we have noticed she has been a little down lately.

No wonder. Many of us have seen the report that isolation is as harmful to us as smoking a pack of cigarettes’ a day. Forbes just shared the grim statistics of community residents across the county. “90 percent said they never left their campus, 60 percent said they never even went outside their building to take a walk, and more than half said they had no access to any activities within their facilities.”

In the beginning, we noticed that the forced lock-down actually benefited “Susan” because she was finally meeting and spending time with the other residents. However, when they went into full lockdown, where they have to stay in their rooms ALL DAY LONG, and eat their meals alone in their rooms, we can hear the sadness in her voice when we call.

This time I am going to start a silly postcard campaign so that she is at least getting a note and knowing that we miss her. We are all calling her too. Her family doesn’t live nearby so phone calls help. However, nothing is worse than being sick alone … AND too sick to even answer the phone.

My hope is that this former teacher will enjoy some silly postcards. Are there other ways to stay connected with someone who doesn’t use a computer, a smart phone, and for now, is too sick to talk on the phone.?

I sure hope that she ends up with a mild case. While she is in her 80s, she has very few other pre-existing conditions besides mild-cognitive impairment.

Please send me a note if you have any other ideas on how best to help those isolated during quarantine, and even worse, all alone as they fight COVID. Asked.

The Link Between Hearing Loss and Mild Cognitive Impairment (MCI)

The Lancet produced a report in July 2020 on dementia prevention, intervention, and care. In the report they state that a growing body of evidence supporting modifiable risk factors for dementia that include:

  • less education
  • hypertension
  • hearing impairment
  • smoking
  • obesity
  • depression
  • physical inactivity
  • diabetes
  • low social contact

The bottom line: “It is never too early and never too late in the life course for dementia prevention.” They are citing many of the factors as things WE CAN DO SOMETHING about — whether it is getting more education which affects our cognitive reserve to health factors that can trigger neuropathological developments.

The single factor with the highest impact and in our control is hearing loss. If you or a loved one has some hearing loss and are concerned with some recall and memory, you need to have a discussion with your audiologist. Ultimately, you won’t recall what you didn’t hear, so could some of your issues be from hearing loss?

For many of us concerned about changes to our memory and recall, I found this report reassuring. We can be our own best health advocates, and I hope you will download this report and figure out if there is something that you can do for yourself or a loved one. Empowered.