Yikes! One in Three Americans is a Caregiver.

crowdAt almost every visit, my Mom will ask “Who would help me if you weren’t here?” I tell her friends would fill in or she could hire someone, but she always bats away these responses. My mom is currently in an Assisted Living facility. For three years I have been very involved in the care and support of my parents. They were 78 and 79 years old when I turned into a caregiver.

An AARP report from 2010 stated that one-third of U.S. adult population plays a caregiver role in households across America. That totals 65.7 million caregivers. A previous report I found put this number as 44 million — either way — it’s a large number of people. We all have unique roles and challenges as caregivers.

At almost every adult gathering, you will find a discussion about this topic and many of the caregivers are overwhelmed, frustrated and often hog-tied because they lack access to the information they need to better support the person they are helping.  

I feel like I was lucky. Because my parents had dementia, I had time to work with them to collect and organize much of their household information. My parents had completed their estate plans, and I held a Durable Power of Attorney. When that didn’t work or we found that it could take weeks and even months to navigate the approval process. We ended up setting up online access to most of their accounts to allow me to easier help my parents. Shhhh, don’t tell — it’s against most online user agreements.

For those of you dealing with a loved one with dementia, please know that my mother was very resistant to turning over these reigns. To this day she doesn’t recognize her limits and I set up a small checking account so that she could still keep a checkbook in her wallet and write checks if she so desires. My father helped me navigate most of their accounts. I hope that you are able to at least get access to the information you need. Once you have gone through the process of trying to be a caregiver and running into roadblocks, you will start looking at your own life and affairs. If someone needed to step in and help you, could they?

This topic seems to be such a cloaked conversation. I do see media outlets covering the topic more as many in the media are dealing with issues in their own families and are trying to bring light to this topic. I’m doing my job to shed light on this subject and offer simple solutions with MemoryBanc. Powered. 

Our digital life, estate planning and reality

crystalballWe only recognize our reliance on the “cloud” when we lose power or our Internet connection is lost — just imagine how difficult it would be to navigate your own life without the online access to your bill pay, social media and email accounts.

With that in mind, can you imagine how frustrating it might be to a family member who has stepped in to assist you without access to any of your online accounts?

The National Clearinghouse for Long-Term Care Information reported that about 70% of Americans who live to age 65 will need long-term care at some time in their lives. However, this isn’t just a problem for seniors — we all have a story of someone in our lives that had a sudden (and hopefully recoverable) disability. If this were to happen to you, what have you done to ensure those around you have what they need to help?

Did you know that almost EVERY online account you use — from your online banking and email, to your pictures, music … will be shut down and the assets frozen upon your death? Now consider what might happen if you were incapacitated — know how many of these accounts will recognize a Durable Power of Attorney if a loved one requests access?  That number is zero.

Last month I wrote What’s in that Online User Agreement You Accepted? and a recent article in the Wicked Local Lexington discussed Navigating the Retirement Maze: Protecting your Digital Legacy — reinforcing the call to document and provide access to this information.

My difficulty in using the estate and financial plans my parents had set up fueled me to launch MemoryBanc to help caregivers collect and use this information to help their loved ones. What I found in my first year of business, is that this was problem was not a caregiver issue alone. Most of my clients are between 40 and 60 years old. We all know the term “no single point of failure” and that is what we are working to provide our clients with — backup solutions to help them easily find as well as share key information when it might be needed most.

When AARP Foundation recognized our solution last year, I was encouraged. I’m pleased to see that the estate and financial planning community is starting to recognize the pervasiveness of this issue — and we will only see it mushroom in the coming years as more and more adults hit this roadblock. Focused. 

I hope you will spend the next five minutes documenting your usernames and pass codes so a loved one could help you, should the information ever be needed. 

 

Q: What’s the Difference Between Obamacare and Doggy Day Care?

puppydogeyesA: Rabid Advocates — okay, poor choice of words in this case, how about “dedicated advocates?”  As a family caregiver, we know how vital it is to be involved to coordinate and have a holistic knowledge of an individuals needs and the new system, as I understand it, misses the mark.

I attended an event and heard Howard Gleckman who wrote “Caring for our Parents”  and who is an accomplished journalist, researcher and “family caregiver.”

I’m not in the senior health care industry, but like to hear what’s going on since we have been so directly impacted by the needs of my parents. Mr. Gleckman shared how one of the new trends emerging is a coordination of medical care with long-term care which represents a merger of services from Medicare and Medicaid. There are more than 7 million Americans who are being served by both today — but forecasts show this number rapidly growing as the boomers age into the program and spend down their retirement and savings and qualify for these services. Most likely, the model will grow and be offered to more Americans and could be the next generation of long-term care options.

In general, under the new models the providers will be rewarded based on “outcomes” not “delivered care”  — I would say that is a good thing. However, the ways to measure this seemed purely clinical — number of falls, number of hospitalizations, number of deaths etc. Changing the way to measure and pay doesn’t fill the gaps in our current models of medical care. Where is the quality of life component factored into the model?  Cutting compensation if there are too many deaths seems like a bad idea — even on paper.

Most doctors rely on the patient to detail medical history and advocate for themselves. My parent’s had no short-term memory. My Dad didn’t know which pills he took or why, that he had broken his hip and my Mom would never share that she had a stroke. I was frustrated when those doing the initial intake interviews would look to my parents to answer these questions — not their electronic medical records that were a keytouch away. I created a list of Do’s and Don’ts to better manage the appointments with my parents because having the doctor ask me everything was frustrating for my parents and they would disagree with some of the facts I reported.

The move to meld the services and push down costs does not incorporate the quality of life — especially when it comes to the aging population.

Obamacare changed the system, but at this time, doesn’t really fix it.

As I walk toward my father’s funeral, I don’t waiver on my belief that he had a swift and loving end to his life. However, I spent several months pushing to understand why my Dad was slurring. I reported it monthly to the health care workers while he was in Assisted Living. I eventually took him for a physical when I was underwhelmed by the progress on finding the root of his changed speech. Part of the problem is that most doctors rely on the patients ability to recap their medical history and concerns. Someone with dementia is unable to manage this.

I didn’t find a solution until I requested an assessment from the staff Speech Pathologist who finally raised the red flag on my Dad’s health.

I struggle with the fact that I didn’t manage as a better health care advocate. By the time my Dad’s cancer was detected, it was really too late to treat. We recognized that putting someone with dementia through cancer treatments would not ultimately improve the quality of his life. What an awful choice that we his children were faced with.

My brother and I who walked this journey with our father were hit hardest by the grief. We rode the roller coaster of hope when we thought we could buy my Dad a few more months of life. In one week, our journey flipped from remission to hospice.

We thought long and hard about the choices we were making and based on the beliefs our father had shared. We vetted our choices with all four children. We did not make our decisions lightly, and some of us still carry the grief and guilt scars that resulted from our choices.

Ultimately, I am thankful for the time I had with my father and treasure the final days we spent together — especially because I had no idea they would be our last days and memories together.

It doesn’t exist in the current model but given the amount of caregivers and family members who have witnessed the current aging options, the lack of an advocate in the new models emerging feels sterile to me. The embedded HOPE is that family members will be engaged by the assigned ‘case managers’ which has proven to result in better health outcomes.

Any misstatements of the emerging models falls on me — not Mr. Gleckman — his presentation was fantastic and very educational. However, after hearing the facts he presented, I felt like I was listening to a new system of care to that would be just as likely to be presented to care for dogs. Perplexed.

This is a HUGE topic and I skim over some key issues. I’d love to hear from you. Please share comments or your blog posts that tackle some of these issues. 

Three Go-to Tactics for Dementia Caregivers

lionessThe holidays are hard for us all. It’s our first without our Dad. My siblings came to visit and I know my Mom enjoyed having lunch and dinner visitors.

I revisited my blog from last year talking about Christmas — the visits with my Mom were more difficult since she was almost always agitated and would get stuck on a specific thought and action.

Since she moved into Assisted Living, the visits are much easier. I have broken my visits down into two types: I’m visiting the lion or the lamb.

When I show up and I’m facing the lioness, three things that have served me well include:

  • Smile and patiently answer questions … until you can politely redirect the conversation
  • Don’t say “Remember” The lack of short-term memory is usually the first symptom to take root and pointing it out only creates bad-feelings and animosity.
  • Explaining only creates more confusion Layered with the lack of short-term memory, the idea that logic will prevail tripped me up initially. I will explain something once, then work to redirect the conversation.

My mother has always been a very independent woman. She raised four kids while my Dad was away at War in the 50s and 60s and was always the prime disciplinarian. While dementia can change behaviors, the need to independence and sense of purpose is still very alive and well in my Mom. Practiced. 

Please share with me if there are things you do that help you and the person you are caring for. 

A Caregiver’s Repreive

LakeVermillionSunrise
Photo Credit: Cole Bransford

My siblings are wonderful. I know from many of you that I’m lucky to have engaged siblings who will and can help. As we rolled into Christmas, my siblings came to town to visit with my Mom so I could spend time with my husband’s family who would be visiting us.

Initially, I still got a few calls from Mom when she was confused by a call and didn’t know how to reach my brother or sister, but for nearly three days, I did not get one phone call. On the third day — I started to ignore my mobile phone (it was Christmas Day) since my kids and husband were all with me and I knew my Mom was in the company of my sister.  As soon as my sister’s flight left, the calls began.

I believe my Mom calls me when she is lonely, which only reignites concern over her well-being. I’m thankful she is in an Assisted Living facility, but can’t imagine anyone being in one without a family that visits, calls or advocates for their loved one. The fact that she is already in a place prepared to support her and that it is one she choose makes my caregiver duties much lighter, but it does add a level of complication. There are things that happen that we learn of second-hand, can’t control and don’t like.

However, I recognize the toll of my constant concern as the only local family member as well as the guilt that I’m not visiting her daily are taking on me and know that I need to give myself more breaks. I can’t make up for my Mom’s lack of short-term memory by calling more, I can’t feel guilty that I don’t visit more, but I can love her and be mindful of her needs.

One of the best tools I found to manage was using Google Calendar for my family scheduling. When I started to feel overwhelmed by raising my children well, caring for my parents and work, I worked with a life coach. She helped me develop my priority system. I use that to determine what goes on my schedule and review it quarterly to ensure I’m not neglecting key elements of my life. My husband and children all use the calendar to stay in synch. It works well for us.

A change in the routine of life can be eye-opening. Helping my Mom is such a daily part of my life, I didn’t recognize until I stepped away for a few days how much mental time I spent on the topic. It was nice to have the mental break. Recognized. 

Related Articles:

Ten Ways to Deal with Caregiver Stress (AARP)

Respite Care: A Break for the Caregiver (AARP)

Thank you to my siblings — and all of those friends and caring individuals who continue to pay visits and write letters to my Mom.

The Care Giving Roles and Working with Siblings

fourkids (2)The number of tasks involved when you are a care giver will change over time. I am one of four children in my family and the only one that lives near my parents.  Being the only local child means there are some responsibilities that are going to be mine — but my siblings and I have figured out how to share the load.

My parents are in Assisted Living and able to speak for themselves on their likes and dislikes. However, I believe our involvement will only enhance the quality of care they receive. Their acute medical issues will be addressed and I know they are safe. However, I visit at least twice a week to see how my parents are managing and how they are doing.

I previously wrote about my Dad and his flirtation with a wheelchair. Neither parent mentioned it to me when I called, but did to my brother. When I called the Assisted Living unit, they said my Dad was not in a wheelchair. However, when I visited the next day, my Dad was using a wheelchair. I made sure they knew of our interest to keep our Dad on his feet. In some cases, individuals with dementia will forget how to walk, and if that happened, we knew it would mean a new level of care for my Dad, most likely, in the Skilled Nursing unit (and separate from my Mom).

I’m extremely lucky. I have three siblings that are involved and will jump on a plane when I need help, or will make phone calls and manage different aspects of helping manage my parent’s estate and needs.

However, I thought it would be helpful to write-up some of the tasks we have broken out and divvied up between us. Shared. 

Care Giving Role Duties  Name of Sibling
Physical Provide or support activities of daily living (dressing, feeding, bathing etc.) and ensure safety.
Medical Manage the medical needs, doctor visits and medications. Coordinate with various doctors and follow-up on issues and concerns. Healthcare directives, Medical Power of Attorney, Do Not Resuscitate (DNR)
Personal / Financial Manage bill payments and cash flow as well as knowledge of legal documents and locations. Will need Financial Power of Attorney, be on bank accounts.
Investment Understand and manage the investments and other financial assets.
Legal Manage legal review of documents and if different coordinate with Personal / Financial to ensure documents in place and timely.
Historian Collect, organize and archive photos, letters, family keepsakes.
Realtor Lead decisions on property and manage vendor selection and transactions.

Please let me know if I missed any or if you family found another was to manage these tasks.