This weekend I went to Senior Citizens Law Day in Alexandria, VA. The topics focused on all the legal issues when an individual doesn’t plan. However, I was struck that they did not really address the number of people who plan, but fail to follow the plan.
That is where we sit today. My parents did the will, trust, advanced medical directives and durable and medical power-of-attorney. However, they are moderately demented and are not following the plan for retirement they shared with us – and don’t recognize this in themselves. Now, we are working very hard to follow the guidance they gave us about how they want to spend their senior years.
However, it means we are doing things my parents are very unhappy about. We are working hard to address and recognize their need for value and independence as we move through this process, but it’s difficult when they only remember the outcome, not the issues leading up to it.
When their licenses were revoked and they continued to drive, we parked the cars in a storage facility.
They are continuing to try to split their time between their town house and retirement community but have been unable to have cash to pay for the taxi ride, manage to safely get in (broken in twice) or feed themselves when they are there. They are unable to manage any of their instrumental activities of daily living. We are going to have to do something to help them.
At the event, I had a chat with the seat mate to my right. She wondered why I was there. I told her I have two parents with dementia, and I came to learn. She told me she has five daughters. She said she should have brought one of them to the event with her but she “didn’t want to be a burden.”
I told her that I am sure her daughters would not consider helping her a burden. The only burden my parents have brought to me is that they won’t accept the help they need; they don’t recognize how badly they need assistance to live the life they wanted to lead. Obstructed.
I can’t imagine your frustration. I am sure you don’t want to have them labeled incompetent until completely necessary. I pray there is a way to work things out to everyone’s satisfaction.
Dear Kay,
What I can say, which may or may not help, is every day, in fact almost every moment of every day, I feel like a burden to my husband! He says I am not, and always reaffirms it whenever I act like it or voice it, but it doesn’t stop me feeling it.
And sadly, the fact your dear parents will not accept their dementias, nor your help, is truly a burden to you and your family. I will continue to pray for your continuing love and patience, as I know you need it. My husband and I certainly needed it when we had to take over for his father.
With love and hope, always,
Kate