Tag: change

My fear is a tornado

tornadoI recently saw a speaker who put together a book called “Put Your Big Girl Panties On and Kick your Fears in the A**!” The speaker discussed a four step process in which you name your fear, describe it, draw it and then face it.

I realized that I have quite a few fears as I face this journey with my parents. I left a steady job so I could launch my business and the needs of my parents are impacting the life of my family.

As I started to think about my fear and closed my eyes, I envisioned a tornado. I am afraid that something will come out of nowhere and devastate our lives.

In following this process, I realized that much of what I fear is unfounded. There are many early warning signs when it comes to dementia as with many other catastrophes. I brought up my mom’s cognitive issues with my siblings nine years ago when we got together for Christmas. At the time, I was the only one that spent enough time around my mom to notice the changes in her thinking and behavior.

There is a lot I can do now to better prepare for, recognize and hopefully avoid following in my parents footsteps. Any sudden health-issues for my parents would only necessitate the support from others they are so resistant to accept.

As the new year approaches, I’m looking forward to moving us all forward. I know it won’t be easy, but I’m learning and ready to face the challenges in front of me. I won’t let any fears hinder my pursuits. Emboldened.

That’s just your demented dad talking

On the way back from the grocery store, my parents and I were talking about an event that just happened.  I recounted my version, my mom recounted hers, and my dad just responded that he had no idea what we were talking about. We all giggled. He then responded with “That’s just your demented dad talking.”

I almost hit the brakes. Was my dad reading my blog? Did he see the debate I started when I used the term “demented” to describe my parents?

During this process, my parents have been sitting through the medical discussions with doctors. My dad typically doesn’t say a word while my mom will refute each statement made. My dad admits that he has no memory, and my mom say’s “her brain is bad.” However, when a recommendation is made to consider changes to their lives they refuse to budge.

We recently had a follow-up with the neurologist who shared the results of the MRI tests. Mom, dad and Kay are all sitting in the examination room. We are told that my Dad has Vascular Dementia with signs of Alzheimer’s and my Mom has Vascular Dementia.

While my mom had a stroke (that left no physical traces), she can see many other smaller strokes occurring in her brain. The cognitive testing lead us to believe my mom had some Alzheimer’s but it’s not apparent on the MRI test. My dad has been having many smaller strokes and they also saw signs of Alzheimer’s which was not apparent in his cognitive testing.

My parents were in the room so I didn’t ask questions beyond, what pills do they need to take to minimize the stroke risk and help with their memory. It seems the repetition is starting to sink in. I just hope they will accept help from more than just their children in the coming months as things progress. Prayed.

The constant promise of change when dementia arrives

While we all seem to wait for the person with dementia to change, the most important change has to happen within ourselves, the caregivers.

I’ve shared this article before, but in re-reading it, I find new meaning in the words Pamela R. Kelley shared in A Caregivers Resolution: No Push-Push.

I’ve had an interesting few weeks as my parent’s dementia has become evident to everyone around them. They still refuse or are still unable to accept any of the advice and recommendations from friends, doctor’s and even the staff at their retirement community.

I’m confounded by the huge difference I feel when I bounce between responding to my parents and my soon-to-be ten-year old daughter. Your first instinct seems to be to take charge and direct, like you would your child. However, that is possibly the worst strategy I might use with my parents.

I’m working on being a better collaborator with my parents. In turn, it make me a better mom in the process. Altered.

Out of the mouth of babes: “That was a weird call”

My brothers left to get back to their lives. The past week was full of activity and we made progress on some major items we needed to address.

As I was in the car with my son, my mom calls and I answer. I have Bluetooth, so he can hear the full conversation.

Mom: “Hi Kay, did you just call?”

Kay: “No, I didn’t. How are you?”

Mom: “Surviving. Can you help us?”

We chat a bit and come up with the game plan for my next visit. My mom tells me she didn’t want any help today, but they did want to go to brunch together tomorrow. I suggest I pick them up from their town house. My mom explained they have a lot of stuff they want to move to the retirement community so they came in to start working on that. They continue to search for purpose and meaning.  They need help, but they are not yet ready to accept it from anyone but their children.

THAT IS HUGE PROGRESS! They will let us help.

Unfortunately, I am unable to spend time with them every day to help them. However, usually when I do visit now, they accept the help and the visits have been much easier. This required that we both change.

My brothers reported that their visit was conflict free. They were able to use the tips I shared on working with the parents.  They noticed a big difference on this visit.

When I hang up, my son turns to me and says: “That was a weird call, good, but unusual – what happened?” I went with the short answer. We have all adapted to find a way to work together. Changed.