Tag: Family

Divide and Conquer and the Modern Family

My husband and I married in our thirties and we have the divide and conquer philosophy on many of the household duties. My friends and colleagues have mentioned divvying up financial and household matters. When Consumer Reports recently cited that only 30% of couples knew the major financial assets and how to access them, I was not surprised.

ModernFamilyWhile I hope we are not as wacky as the family on the TV show Modern Family, to this day, my husband and I still keep our own bank accounts that are jointly titled. We decided to make one the household bill pay account and the other the rainy day savings account.

I am the owner of the bill pay account. When we were first married, I would write checks twice a month. When my career put me on the road, my husband took over the bill-paying duties from “my account.” He immediately set up online bill pay. When my days of travel ended, I took back the bill pay duties. When I first logged in, I didn’t see any of the bill pay accounts. I had wrongly assumed that the bill pay accounts and pending transactions would be available for both online users to our joint checking account. That is not the case; you can only see the bill pay accounts created under your login. I immediately took over my husband’s username and now we both use one login. I’m now on a soapbox recommending this setup to all of my clients.

If either my husband or I were unable to pay the bills, the other could easily step in. Sharing usernames is against both of our banks’ user agreements and if I call for support, they won’t answer my questions because I am not allowed to be in my husband’s account. Silly! I’m not a big rule breaker, but that is one I break all the time.

Now that I am caring for my parents, the online access offered by every company and most state and federal services has been a major time and frustration saver for me. When my parents’ insurance company and the financial institutions that hold several investment accounts refused to accept my durable power of attorney (this is a lot more common than you can imagine and I will cover this next month), my dad worked with me to set up online access so I could act on my parents’ behalf.

Setting up online access to your accounts does not negate the need to have a current will or power of attorney. However, this information will make it infinitely simpler for someone to step in and help if you are unable to manage your accounts, if even only temporarily.

To get your details organized, you can download a free copy of the account and documents checklist, or order the MemoryBanc Register that will prompt you through the process.

I hope you will consider making this change to how you manage your household accounts and bill payments. It’s a kindness your loved ones will appreciate if the information is ever needed.

Sincerely,
– Kay
Kay Bransford
Chief Curator and Founder, MemoryBanc

Dinner together rights many wrongs

family dinnerOne of the pillars of our upbringing was dinner together. We would have lively debates and exchanges over dinner. I believe it allowed us to manage many of the needs of our parents because as siblings we learned how to disagree with each other without being disagreeable.

Our safety hatch for the past few days was our parents love of meals with family. We used it to help us transition through many of the goals we set in getting our parents into the new apartment in Assisted Living. With more than one sibling at the table, we would talk about past vacations, friends and relatives. It allowed us to redirect the day and revisit some wonderful days in our past together.

On the move day I left before dinner, but my two brothers and sister joined my parents for dinner and walked them to their new apartment before saying good night. Succeeded. 

When caring for a family member, the heart takes over.

Last week I shared the hurt I felt in dealing with my parents who have dementia. I was mad at myself for forgetting they have head injuries. My heart won over my head.

Terry who is caring for her brother Al reminded me that when you are caring for a family member, the heart takes over. It should, but it sure does make things more complicated.

A social worker suggested that I take small breaks when I visit with them. Get up and go the kitchen, bathroom, walk around the block — take that time to remind myself that it’s the disease, not my parent talking to me.

While my parents told us for years, we would never have to worry about them, we feel it’s our duty and honor to help them lead a fruitful life as long as they can. We look forward to the day when we can faithfully fulfill what we feel is our responsibility for the people who gave us so much. Indulged.

I haven’t had a cold in more than twenty years

tissueboxI started to notice a change in my mom ten years ago. So did my dad. At one point, he volunteered to get memory benchmarking just so my mom would go. She’s a smart one and would agree, then wiggle out of it later…finally, I just gave up. I can’t make her go.

I could not understand why she wouldn’t want to get this simple test done. Her mother had dementia the last few years of her life. When we watched as my father’s mom lived with dementia and the enormous burden it was on my grandfather and aunt, my mom would say “We have prepared our lives so you won’t have to take care of us when we are old.”

Three years ago she had a stroke. To this day, she still doesn’t believe it and will tell you she doesn’t know why her kids keep saying she did have a stroke. When I walk her through the two ER visits and the six months of follow-up appointments with the neurologist, she just stares at me, smiles (sometimes) and says she disagrees. She’s very proud to tell you she’s never even had a cold in the past twenty years. The reality is that she just never remembers having a cold much less a stroke.

We want to help my parents live a long and fruitful life. I can’t imagine anyone else watching out for them or knowing what they want better than their own children. We don’t mind helping, we’d be honored. What we do mind is having to fight our way in to help our parents. Determined.

I got lost on the way over

I made plans dominofallingwith my Dad to play racquetball and go over the family tree this morning. When my Dad showed up almost a half our late, I was relieved. It wasn’t the first time he showed up late, went missing or lost his way while driving. The look on my Dad’s face was a heartbreaker. I smiled, gave him a kiss and got us back out the door and on the way to the gym.

My Dad now acknowledges that things aren’t the same and he is having trouble remembering really simple things. It’s been a long road to today and we have many more miles to go – but it’s a victory – albeit bittersweet. I’ve noticed many changes in my parents over the past ten years. With two of them, they presented a fierce and united front and have covered for each other and generally resisted any suggestion that their health and mental abilities were changing. I’d suggest considering mental bench-marking or a follow-up visit to a neurologist, and one would agree, and then the other would unravel any plans. This happened time and time again. So I just quit trying.

When my siblings started to experience their odd behaviors, they had to coax me back into trying. I had given up since it was the only way for me to really deal with my parents on a daily and weekly basis. My siblings stepped up to the plate as well and visit quite regularly to help us manage through this transition we are all going through.

As their cognitive decline seems to have shifted into a higher gear, I’ve learned how to better support them and put as much of a safety net around them as they will allow me (and my siblings) to provide, yet the dominoes are starting to topple.

Now the reality is starting to sink in. Bummed.