No good deed goes unpunished

kaywparents2013The first year of my nearly daily involvement to help Mom and Dad was horrible. I wanted to help them, but they could not recognize that they needed help. They could see that their spouse was not doing well, but they did not recognize it in themselves. While my Mom would complain about Dad’s memory, they never betrayed each other.

I would try to offer logic and reason, and inevitably, I would leave frustrated, and often in tears.

One day, my mom called to ask me to come over to help with the checkbook. When I arrived, she looked at me like I had grown a second head and berated me for suggesting she needed help with the checkbook. My Dad sat in his armchair watching the entire heated exchange. I felt like a teenager again getting lectured. To examples I gave, my Mom would deny and suggest that I was making it all up. I was so angry and frustrated. How could I have believed my Mom really wanted my help. I left in tears.

That evening around 9:30 PM, there was a knock on my door. My Mom was there with a gift. She told me they were sorry that I was so upset and had been driving for hours. She told me somehow, they ended up in Baltimore, MD. Their home was in Arlington, VA and I lived 15 minutes away in McLean, VA. We hugged and at that moment, I realized that the advice the Psychiatrist gave me to “be sneaky” was the only way I would truly be able to help them.

I had to work even harder to help them without it being noticed. When I visited, I would pick up the piles of mail and stick them in my bag to review later. At that point I started to copy account numbers and information to get a better handle on their finances and cash flow. That pain and anguish lead me to create the MemoryBanc Register and transition to a career as a Daily Money Manager.

Things got easier and eventually, my Mom would thank me for helping take care of the bills and finances. That would be more than two years later and after my Dad passed away.

I would later recognize how much I missed the Mom that would debate me. The dementia stole away my parents bit by bit, even the parts that drove me crazy. They were unable to change, so I learned how to adapt to meet my parents where they were — even when I was trying to do a good deed that would never be recognized. Recalled. 

 

$58 Billion Reasons Why to Organize Your Information & Online Passcodes

bag of moneyMost American’s are unaware that more than $58 billion is sitting in state and federal treasuries — it’s money that got lost in the shuffle of a move, crisis and even death. Family members and loved ones don’t know about it and it ends up in dormant accounts help by State and Federal Treasurers.

I used the MissingMoney.com website when I was caring for my parents. You can do one search and see if any of your loved ones money ended up in a state treasury. Every year, I do a quick search to see if anything slipped through the cracks. A few years ago, we found a record for my dad and claimed $2,500. Turns out, something was left behind in Kansas when we moved away in 1969.

Given the amount of accounts you accumulate today, it’s easy to understand how easy it might be to forget about a stock certificate, utility deposit, or even a small retirement account. I even found some of my money that was for an over-payment to the county water utility that I never received.

HOW TO SEARCH FOR MISSING MONEY

To do a quick search to see if you are entitled to missing funds, visit MissingMoney. Enter your name and state and you will get back a list of possible matches. You should make the claim directly to the state treasury. Every state website has a simple portal you can use to initiate the process.

1) Go to the state web site where you believe you may have missing money

2) Search the state web site for “missing” or “unclaimed money”

3) Make a direct claim following the web site instructions.

You should never have to pay anyone money to claim money that is rightfully yours.

Happy hunting! Enriched.

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MissingMoney does not include all states and not all the information — in particular some very old records. To learn more about this topic, check out Mary Pitman who wrote The Little Book of Missing Money.

That checkbook equals independence

I still remember using my first credit card to buy clothes for myself when I was around 21 years old. I can visualize the pair of novelty socks that were going to look good with my “dressy” shorts. Yeah, I’ve never been that great when it comes to fashion, but I recall those socks as my first adult purchase on a credit card.

Q4HelpingParentsNow that I work with older adults on a daily basis and help them manage their day-to-day finances, I see how much that checkbook represents. I’ve included a video where I was asked about how someone should talk to a loved one about managing the money and when to recommend a Daily Money Manager.

I recall the frustration I felt when I watched my parents giving away money to a zillion charities they never had an interest in before … missing to pay the water bill … or being asked how you put a check into your checking account. Add to that the number of times my Mom lost her wallet just to fuel my concern … and aggravation. Dealing with numbers and following a multi-step process can be one of the first things you see failing in a loved one with cognitive issues. The consequences can be devastating to financial resources.

Every year, the National Council on Aging estimates more than $36 Billion is lost due to exploitation, fraud, and trust abuse. On a weekly basis, I meet with clients who are giving away money they need to pay for their care, paying for products and services they don’t use, and generally a disinterest in the implications of giving that money to people they never intended to assist.

However, before you tell your loved one they need to hand-over the checkbook, consider what that means to them. If you are concerned, you should start by spending the time to walk through the day-to-day finances with them — help them write checks and manage the cash flow. If you can’t do it, you should be able to find a Daily Money Manager in your area that can help on the website for the American Association of Daily Money Managers.

I hope you will consider how much your loved one has already lost, and don’t be to hasty to take away what might represent to them their last vestige of independence. Recommended. 

 

 

When off-label use goes bad

SeroquelI remember when they recommended this drug for my Mom a few years back. She had vascular dementia and was getting very agitated. The staff was having a hard time redirecting my Mom. They thought this medication might help.

A recent story in The Washington Post covers some of the issues as it related to off-label use — One of America’s most popular drugs — first aimed at schizophrenia — reveals the issues of ‘off-label’ use. This is just one of a number of stories I have seen about using varied drugs to “temper” (for lack of a better word) the behavior of residents in care communities.

Before this, when Mom was still with Dad in Independent Living, the doctor suggested and prescribed Ativan. It is at least prescribed for anxiety. However, my Mom would refuse to take it so when I knew events might bring on anxiety for Mom, I would put it into her Coke. I must admit that I’m not sure that was any better maybe than prescribing off-label uses for different drugs.

I do know that the one time my Mom freely took Ativan was before my Dad’s funeral. On that one day, she wanted a pill to help with the anxiety she was feeling.

Over time, I learned to better interact with Mom and could usually redirect any pre-anxiety events. After the first year of adapting, I never even considered the need for any behavior medication.

Did I change?

Did Mom change?

Did moving her to a community focused on caring for individuals with dementia eliminate the circumstances to bring on the anxiety?

I will never truly know. However, I do feel that the first year as you and your loved one is adapting to the changes in your relationship, and they are feeling in their lives is the most challenging stage.

Just know that they need an advocate, and the more you know the better. Confessed. 

Tinkering with the Gamma Frequency in our Brains

A friend shared with me “Bringing the Gamma Back” which is a podcast from Radiolab. It shares the impact of light frequency treatment in mice. Those mice with with both early cognitive issues and full-blown Alzheimer’s positively responded to the light treatments. The amount of plaques reduced and they seemed to regain prior memories — all from just a one hour exposure to light pulsing at 40 beats per second.

Unfortunately, positive outcomes in mice rarely translates to humans. The reports from MIT seem to still be discussing the mice trials. I would have hoped given the zero risk of the treatment that someone might have started human testing.

Heck, after listening to the story, I am interested in figuring out how to set this up at home. Who’s brain couldn’t use a little cleaning?

It’s encouraging to see the vast array of new research, and I hope soon, something will land on a real way to slay the beast. Hoped. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Older Adults are More Trustin’

I was surprised to find a report from UCLA that concluded “Older people, more than younger adults, may fail to interpret an untrustworthy face as potentially dishonest, the study shows. The reason for this, the UCLA life scientists found, seems to be that a brain region called the anterior insula, which is linked to disgust and is important for discerning untrustworthy faces, is less active in older adults.”

cost of abutseThe price of this misplaced trust was reported at an annual cost of $36.5 Billion by the National Council on Aging.  I shared a few weeks back that Impostor Scams netted $328 in 2017. In working with older adults as a Daily Money Manager, I see how difficult managing your personal finances has become in today’s digital world. If you are concerned about a loved one, I hope you will offer to help if you are starting to notice the bills stacking up, or hear them lament over getting ready for their taxes. Not only is it harder to manage, but there are lots of people trying to get at our loved ones money.

 

I was initially surprised to read the results of the UCLA study. Since then, I’ve been watching and talking with my clients a little differently. I actually now feel a little panic when they tell me a plumber is coming, or they just signed a home improvement contract. I ask them to please reach out to me to talk through big ticket items before they sign an agreement if something comes up between appointments.

However, several have gone ahead and paid for the services and then we just work to validate that they got the service they paid for. In several cases, we have been able to cancel agreements that were predatory.

This gets even more problematic when early cognitive impairment or dementia are involved.

I’ve always considered a side benefit of getting older was getting wiser. I never guessed that due to natural aging, changes in our brains would make us more trusting. It feels counter-intuitive. However, it gives me renewed vigor to help as many older adults as I can. Witnessed.  

 

 

It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.

twain quoteA Financial Adviser shared this saying with me after I reached out to him to help some clients who have dozens of banking and retirement accounts. As a Daily Money Manager, I work to simplify their lives, minimize the money they are spending on things they don’t use, shield them from fraud and predatory vendors, and help connect them with the right resources to best serve their interests. Sometimes it’s an Elder Care Attorney, sometimes a Home Care Aide, sometimes an Aging Life Care Manager, and sometimes it’s a Financial Adviser. In a few cases, it’s been one of each.

The Adviser used this expression in response to a conversation about some beliefs we have about managing money and I think it really applies to the world of caregiving in many ways.

First off, Mark Twain is credited with the complete quote: “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

I recently had a discussion with a family that was struggling to help their Dad. They wondered when it was time to consider moving him into a memory care community. I have seen over-and-over again what happens to individuals when you wait too long. They have a hard time adapting to their new community.

“But Dad doesn’t like people, he’s always been a loner.”

Everyone needs to do what feels right to them, and to serve the best interests of their loved ones. In many cases, what our loved ones like changes over the course of their dementia. My mother who was a Life Master at Bridge, didn’t enjoy cards once she could no longer keep track of bids. The woman who hated TV would choose to sit and watch it some days over doing a painting activity — and she had been painting since the 70’s.

In the same way it pained me to lose my mom bit by bit, seeing her no longer find enjoyment doing the things she loved to do was a double-whammy.  What I did see was that my mom started to enjoy activities I would have never guessed at her memory care community.

What I thought I knew when it came to advocating for my Mom, wasn’t always so. Give your self the time and space to consider the options. Your loved ones are lucky to have you. Remembered. 

 

 

 

 

DealingwithDementia Named a Top Alzheimer’s Blog for 2018

I’m honored to be named a Best Alzheimer Blog for the 3rd year in a row by Healthline.

For those of you that have been reading for a while, you know I kinda have a beef with the use of Alzheimer’s. It is confusing to the millions of families who have loved ones with one of the other forms of dementia … of which Alzheimer’s is one type. I found this diagram a few years ago because I was totally confused when I was told Dad had Alzheimer’s, but Mom had Vascular Dementia.

What is Dementia
Understanding Dementia

I plan to continue writing and hoping I can help make this journey for others a little easier. Encouraged.

Don’t Dread the Move to Assisted Living

I was physically ill the days leading up to my parent’s move from Independent Living into Assisted Living. They fought the move, and would not allow personal care assistants into their apartment in Independent Living which could have allowed them to stay there longer.

The community they lived in forced the issue. They were a danger to themselves and others in the community. They gave them the choice to move out, or move into Assisted Living. Navigating that with my Mom was an incredible challenge, she was ready to hire a lawyer and move out. Thankfully, my siblings all came to town to help manage the move.

My parent’s living space went from 2,000 to around 600 square feet.

We all knew that my parent’s were not happy about the move. However, they also were both in a moderate stage of different dementias. We tried to make the time more of a family reunion and distract them from the reality of the move.

Thank goodness there are 4 of us. It tapped out all of us emotionally.

The big surprise? How happy my parent’s were in the smaller apartment with a view of the front entrance. My parent’s were the happiest I had seen them in a year.

After my dad had his celestial departure, we found that mom needed to be in a memory care community. That move was a little easier. I had someone help move Mom’s things while I took her out to lunch and we drove to her new community. She really liked her new room with all of her things and her habit of wondering when Dad would return to her apartment disappeared. She was now in a community that wouldn’t make her choose a meal off a menu (all the choices overwhelmed her); she always had table mates (the other residents in Assisted Living didn’t want to sit with the woman who couldn’t remember their names); and she always had an activity that would meet her where she was.

dancingMy mom was never a joiner. But her personality and interests changed through her dementia. What I have seen over and over is that the longer you wait for the move, the harder it is for your loved ones to adapt to the new community. I was shocked to arrive one afternoon to see my Mom dancing. She always shooed my Dad away when he asked for a dance.

I know how hard it is to face the decision and be the one to make it happen. You are making the best decision you can with the information you have. They are lucky to have you in their life to be their advocate. Believed. 

Turn on your Long Term Care Insurance Now

LTCinsuranceIn talking with several families recently, there seems to be a reticence to start benefiting from the Long Term Care insurance they own. Whether it’s the idea to save it ’til later when things get really expensive or that they won’t qualify … I’ve seen it too often recently that I want to encourage you to apply for the benefits now.

A few reasons to take it now include:

  1. Once you turn it on, you don’t have to make anymore payments.
  2. Should the individual with the benefits predecease the use of the insurance, or before they have claimed all of the benefits,  you won’t get any of that money back. Exhaust the plan before you exhaust personal savings.

Many of the plans have limits and caps, but there are still a few really good ones that don’t. Do you know what your plan limits are?

Most plans have an exception for individuals diagnosed with dementia versus having to qualify with two or more activities of daily living. First read through the plan to find the qualifications and then call the provider and ask about the policy. Key questions to ask include:

  • Is there an exclusionary period?  Many plans have 90 and 100-day exclusion periods once the individual qualifies for the benefits.
  • How much per day is covered for Home Care Assistance? Most plans have a dollar amount per day for personal care assistants in your home. You can actually set up the billing so they bill the insurance provider directly and you only have to cover any overages. Many cover up to 10 and 12 hours per day.
  • How much does it pay toward Assisted Living; Skilled Nursing; Memory Care? It’s good to know how much will be covered when you are making a decision about a care community.

This truly is a use it or lose it scenario and from what I have seen, there is no benefit to NOT taking it as soon as you qualify … and that could simply be a diagnosis of dementia. Experienced. 

How much money is needed to care for a loved one with dementia?

DMMHouseI wish I could tell you there was an easy answer to this question. But there isn’t. Just like every dementia is different, every support network is different as is every metropolitan area in terms of costs and options.

The Alzheimer’s Association just posted a campaign stating it is the most expensive disease in the United States. They do state that 1 hour of Alzheimer’s costs taxpayers $21 million, but most of the costs are in terms of Medicare and Medicaid expenses. How might your family look at the cost and impact to your family?

Some things to consider include:

  • How much time are you spending each week providing unpaid care? From rides to the doctor to meal preparation and financial management?
  • Is the time you are spending helping a loved one impacting your job in terms of lost wages? Diminished opportunity for promotions?
  • What will be needed to spend in terms of personal care assistance? Is it all out of pocket or is there long-term care insurance that can cover some of the expense?
  • How much does a memory care or assisted living community cost?

The numbers add up quickly. For an example, the year after my dad died, we spent around $40,000 (of her money) in personal care assistance for my mom. She was living in a life-care community, wasn’t progressed enough to live in the Memory Care neighborhood, but needed more assistance navigating her day. Her community costs were $96,000. So in 2014, we spent around $136,000 on her community and care costs. Had she just moved in with us, having a personal care assistant around the clock would have been around $120,000. Had that been an option, we could have probably decreased that costs when we knew we would be at home to help with her care.

The last year of Mom’s life, after we moved her into a community designed for an active woman with dementia, the cost was close to $200,000. While her community cost was a little less expensive then the life care community they chose a decade earlier, her personal care costs were $96,000. After she fell and wasn’t steady on her feet, we needed to pay for a personal care assistant to be with her 12 hours a day so she wouldn’t try to get up and walk on her own.

Frightening numbers! Thankfully, my parents had saved and had the money to cover their expenses.

One thing to consider is that allowing an individual to maintain their independence and purpose as long as they can is something they will treasure. It can also minimize expenses, but shouldn’t be at the risk of other factors. If they are living alone, find a good solution to detect falls since that is the greatest risk for most older adults.

Dementia stinks. It robs us emotionally, and financially. As a Daily Money Manager, I help families develop plans to assess the costs and consider the options. To learn more about how I help families, visit here. I’m always happy to help families navigate these issues. Offered.