Tag: transition

Let’s put my frame chopper in the guest bedroom

framemaster-cutting-machine-250x250On the day we communicated that  the town house transferred ownership, my brother and I arrive at my parent’s apartment together. My mom is too aggressive and confrontational to send any one in alone.

We show up and immediately run to the jigsaw puzzle set up in the living room. We started a 1000-piece puzzle a few days ago as an activity we could all do together. While neither of my parents would start a puzzle now, we used to do them when we were younger and it gives us a neutral activity

My mom paces around the room like a caged tiger. She is ready for activity. My dad is happy sitting alongside us and will accept direction. He seems to find a safe harbor from my mom’s agitation.

My mom will come in the room and demand to know where the items from the town house are. We tell her we moved it all into storage and have it labeled. We can arrange to go get anything from storage — what does she want?

“I want my frame chopper. I just got permission to put it into the apartment yesterday and want to move it in here.”

If you haven’t seen one, it’s a pretty large piece of equipment and it belongs in a workshop, not a bedroom. However, this isn’t going to be a reasonable conversation, so we just agree to act on her request. We tell her we will call to have it arranged to be delivered. She demands that we drive her to the storage facility and load it in the back of the car.

We suggest we start measuring to figure out where it will go and where to place it. My mom get’s her yardstick and we talk through the project. We discuss which pieces of furniture that would need to be moved. We offer to move the bureau and put the pictures into the storage unit but my mom does not want help, she just wants to know when the chopper will be moved into the guest bedroom.

We patiently take turns working alongside or repeating the conversation to keep her busy. It is the only topic and activity that seems to bring her peace now. Practiced.

The town house has been sold

soldOne of my brothers is a realtor and has been the family resource on all home sales. He called and shared the news with my parents. My mom was pleased with the news initially, and reiterated her pleasure when my sister called. When I told my parents “E” (one of two of my brothers) was coming into town to help them with the final items, my mom was excited.

When my brother E arrives to help transport them to the town house, my mom is now outraged about the sale. “Prove it” she challenges as my brother is kindly driving and help them pack final items. He quickly learns to not bring up the topic anymore but to provide simple directions and the trips go better.

After three days of travel and moving, E reports that my mom started taking things from the retirement community back to the town house. She’s returning the things she rescued the day before.

She is unable to maintain the memory and has no systems other than her calendar to help her remember. By day four he just sits next to my dad as my mom rummages through the town house with no specific idea of what she wants. All the items they want and need are already at their apartment, but we hoped this would help provide closure.

As frustrating as the process has been, sadness fills all of us linked to the event. My mom is frustrated and angry and does not seem to understand. My brother is tired. The knowledge of the lie we told weighs heavily on our hearts. We need to close down this chapter so we can guide our parents to options that will keep them safe and make the most of each day they are still here with us. Saddened.

Setting the stage before my parents are notified

stageOur parents had a town house and had transferred ownership to me and my siblings. They suggested we sell it on and off for several years now, but continued to want to stay there several nights a week. From the time the retirement community initially met with my parents to suggest they consider accepting a personal companion and they refused, I increased my visits.

I found if they had things to do in the retirement community on the calendar they wouldn’t jump in a cab to return to the town house. For two months, I saw my parents every other day and we would go to the commissary, I’d stop by for a visit take them to the town house to look for my mom’s gold necklace, or join them for a meal.

During this time, we were also working to move their last few items to the retirement apartment and my siblings had already come on two visits and had made good progress.

Given the impending notice that my parents were being moved to Assisted Living, we knew we had to get the town house off the table. There was no way for us to physically prepare and sell the townhouse within a week, so we created the story and timeline to communicate the sale.

I share this story with mixed feelings. I think lying is the coward’s hideout to telling the truth. I knew that for the well-being of my parents, in this case, we needed to be sneaky. I still reflect on the psychologist telling me this would be required as we help our parents almost a year ago and I initially fought the idea. I want to treat my parents as I would want to be treated. In every instance, up to this event, I had a conversation with them about what was happening. In most cases, they never recalled the conversation, but at least I tried (as well as did my siblings.)

I realized that to help them make this transition, which was desperately needed, we had to manage the options around them so their only choice is to accept the move since cognitively, they are unable to make this choice.

Each sibling has a role in our plan – from making a phone call to coming to town to move their final items out of the town house, everyone is ready to help. United. 

Please give me some time to prepare

begWhen the Executive Director (ED) called to discuss the timing of the transition of my parents from Independent Living to Assisted Living they wanted to move my parents immediately. The ED suggested giving my parents two-days notice and asked me to pick which day of the week we wanted to move them. I asked if I could have some time to prepare. She has known my parents for several years and knew they had a town house that kept them from accepting full-time residency at the retirement community.

Just retelling this has forced my breathing to quicken. I’d been working to get my parents to stay in the retirement community and now they needed to move into Assisted Living. For the past year, I’ve felt like my parents were was always one step behind where they needed to be.

Their promise to “not be a burden” shifted into a part-time job for me as I tried to allow for their independence but also manage safety, which they have been unconcerned about.

The ED agreed to give me a day to talk with my siblings. As soon as I hung up, I called my sister. I believed this is the right move for my parents but knew my mom’s first reaction would be to move back into their town house full-time.

I also knew that on the day this happened and following the move, all of my siblings needed to be here. My parents needed to see and hear from us that we agree with the recommendation to move them into Assisted Living. We also needed to be here to make the move happen in two days.

My sister and I talked through the need to:

  1. Sell or Rent the town house
  2. Get everyone in town

We set up a sibling call and then put together a time line so I could propose a notification date with the retirement community. Planned.

Preface: The forced transition into Assisted Living

timebombSo many things have happened since I got the call that my parents were being terminated from the retirement community. I wanted to write, but was afraid of putting out a series of Tarantino-esque blog posts that did not convey what was happening, make sense or share what we have been learning from this experience.

Before I got the call from the retirement community Executive Director(ED) notifying me that they were going to require that my parents move into Assisted Living, many warning shots were fired. Two months prior the ED and Manager of the Independent Living community requested a meeting with my parents. I also attended. They provided my parents with a list of concerns and suggested that they consider hiring a personal assistant to help them – particularly in the afternoons and early evenings. My parents refused.

After this meeting, enough events had happened that the retirement community made a report to Adult Protective Services (APS).  APS visited several times and did follow-up calls with both myself and brother. APS closed the case since they did not see an immediate danger to my parents or others.

We chose not to pursue guardianship. We were not willing to initiate this court proceeding of which our parents would understand we were declaring them incompetent only to move them into Assisted Living.

There were several events where my parents were disruptive or a concern was raised that they could harm others. My parent’s behavior was getting bizarre in late afternoon. The Independent Living community was not the right fit for my parents any longer.

Their dinner companions, their life-long friends, the retirement community staff and several doctors have all suggested my parents consider getting an aide or moving into Assisted Living. My parents refused or were unable to accept the need to make changes.

The retirement community invoked their right to move my parents into the next level of care. Over the next few weeks, I hope to share what we went through and what we learned. Explained.  

Your parents agreement with the retirement community is being terminated

telephoneAbout three weeks ago, I got a call that changed everything. The Executive Director from my parents retirement community called to tell me “Your parents agreement with the retirement community is being terminated.”

“What did they pay for when they moved in?” was all that came out.  The Executive Director clarified that they were going to require that my parents moved from Independent Living to Assisted Living — this was really a transfer, not a termination.

Someone mentioned this to me a few months ago. It didn’t register, but now I understand that if a resident is a danger to themselves or others in the community, the community will invoke it’s right to force a resident to make a change. My parents would not (and possibly could not) make the decision to accept live-in support in the Independent Living apartment, nor would they opt for this move on their own.

Enough events have occurred that the retirement community is going to force this transition. So much has happened and we are still moving through this process.

I have many things to share … and hope to be get back to writing.  Engulfed. 

Can we order one of your books?

MemoryBanc RegisterOn the past few visits with my parents I have taken phone calls that were orders for the MemoryBanc Register. My mom let’s out a “hot dang!” then asks “can we order one of your books?”

My brain reels. Try as I might, I’m the kind of gal who has the witty response a day after it would have been useful. My defense for this has been to stick with the truth. So I tell my mom I already have a book for them.

Recently, my mom has been appreciative of the help and telling me now how much she is struggling to put information together. I have never shared with them they have been the inspiration for my business. She has no idea how many MONTHS I spent trying to find all the information on their accounts. She doesn’t know how frustrating it’s been to try and help them. My parent’s do not understand how many things they were failing to manage (bills, household maintenance) and many simple fixes their Power-of-Attorney could have fixed were derailed.

The blessing of the Internet has been that I could set-up online access to act on my parent’s behalf. I had enough personal information and knew what their PINs would be. It’s been over two years since she called me to ask how to put money in the bank. Just last week we uncovered another bank account and a life insurance policy. It’s no wonder that the Washington Post reported that there is over $32 billion dollars of unclaimed funds are sitting in state treasuries just waiting to be claimed.

It’s time to put the book in front of my parents (or a summary at least) so they can see, touch and feel more connected to their own estate. Documented.