Tag: dad

49% of Americans Retiring Earlier Than Planned

The latest U.S. Census reports that there are 44.7 million over the age of 65 in the United States. According to the Department of Health & Human Services, seven out of ten of them will need three or more years of long-term care before they die. Unfortunately, most families are not prepared when they need to step in and help mom, dad in the face of a crisis or medical issue, and the consequences of being unprepared can be severe amongst families – causing chaos, confusion, and loss of money.

What’s more, a 2014 survey by the Employee Benefit Research Institute found that 49 percent of retirees surveyed had retired earlier than they had planned. The survey found that many Americans find themselves retiring unexpectedly, and many retirees cited negative reasons for leaving the workforce, including 61 percent who cited health problems or disability.

Conversation Starters

The earlier you start talking about this the better. If you are having the discussion with a parent, always go in respecting the parent/child dynamic even through you may be 60. Consider this a conversation where you are trying to understand how a good friend, and someone you love is planning on spending the rest of their life. Some ways to do this include:

  • Ask mom and dad how they plan on spending their 60s, 70s, and 80s. Where do they want to live and how do they want to spend their time?
  • Request recommendations on how to approach estate planning. When did they do theirs and how did they decide who should be their advocate if one of them is unable to speak for the other?
  • Share a story of a friend or colleague who faced a difficult family health issue and talk about how your family might have handled the situation differently.

Unfortunately, you may have to wait for a pivotal event to happen before mom or dad are ready to have this discussion with you. Let me know if you have some additional suggestions on how to get this conversation started and I hope you will share which ideas helped your family.

For a free guide on how to organize your documents, accounts, and assets so that you can easily find them, or share them with a loved one should they ever need to help you, visit MemoryBanc.com/save.

The Loss of Your Mom Will Just Rattle Your Bones

skeletonI went to find mom some new shirts that could easily fit over her head. We moved a minimal wardrobe with her to the new community back in January, and now find we need some options because what she has hurts to pull over the large lump on her forehead. She got frustrated by the buttons, so we didn’t move many of the blouses and need some options.

I was very excited to find some cotton pullovers with boatnecks that had pockets. My mom likes to have a place to keep her tissues, although up the sleeve is still a popular option. When I’m checking out somehow I come to tell the woman the purchase is for my mom. I didn’t give any more details but she responds with “Love her while she’s here, the loss of your mom will just rattle your bones.”

I want to tell her I know it will, but I also know she did not want to live like this. I still tear up more often than I would have guessed I would over the loss of my dad – and that was a year and a half ago.

Thanks to those of you that commented and sent me notes. It’s encouraging to know that I’m not alone in my thoughts and frustrations and that many have made this journey and survived.

I want to share what Susan, author of My Alzheimer’s Journey, shared with me. She wrote a daughter’s prayer to god last May. So many of her thoughts resounded within me. Thank you Susan.

dear god
please take
my mother
now and
never

I can’t bear to see her
suffer anymore
nor can I bear
to see her go

mothers and daughters
are sometimes
swallowed up
by life god

we push
and pull
and try
to find
our way
to détente

but sometimes god
disease finds
us first and
renders us
unaware

it steals the
things we
hold dear:
thoughts
words
actions
deeds
dignity

what happened
to dignity god?

is it stuffed in your
back pocket
like a forgotten note
with a grocery list
or phone number
scribbled
on it?

go away god
if you can’t
keep track
of the notes
in your pockets

no! wait god!
come back!
i didn’t mean it
i made a mistake

take her now god
all these bits and pieces
and fragments of your daughter
who was once my mother

pluck her quick
from her drug-induced trance
breathe her back to life
on the other side

let her sing and dance
with the angels
instead of
with
me

free her spirit fast god
from the tangled mind
and weakening body
that imprison her

then again, bide your time
a sedated slumber
is better than a
final resting place
where I can’t
see her face
or hold
her hand
as she
sleeps

how can her life
end as mine began
with dirty diapers
tentative steps
gurgles
drooling and trying to find
unknown words?

don’t take her now god
I will miss her
too much when
she goes

leave her
hand in mine
we can shuffle
a little further
on hell’s road
to heaven

we can play a duet
or two

I can read her stories
touch her hair
watch over her
as she did me
when I was
her baby
and she
was not
mine

let her stay
with me
a while longer
before you
take her home
where she longs to go

and when you take her god
don’t take everything

leave a piece
of her within reach
to accompany me
as I have
her

take her now god
but don’t take
her ever
I will
miss
her
so

Appreciated. 

My mom had a stroke, what do I do?

stethoscopeHeartOver the past month, I have had several friends tell me a parent is having trouble medically and they are unsure of what to do. In the midst of a crisis, having the conversation about how to help often comes across as gloomy, as if you don’t expect them to get better. It’s why I suggest that you have the conversation early and often. If it’s part of general conversation, exchanges of ideas, hopes and wishes, it is not gloomy. When you discuss your options before there is a crisis, you have a lot more choice.

Many of us realize that after mom or dad had a medical issue and now needs more care. Your options are limited if you are doing your selection from those facilities that can take you; or interviewing those caregivers that are available.

While I was frustrated by my parent’s unwillingness to share or curb their life based on limitations that came from the aging process, I totally understand it now. I crave to give my mom activities that would fill her with meaning and purpose. Now that I am managing everything, I sure wish I could share some of the duties with her. It would make both of us happy.

After the critical incident, you do what you can, as best you can. Take a moment to consider how many people are aging without the help and support of a loved one. I am proud of how I’ve worked to help my parents. As difficult as my job has been, it’s infinitely easier because my parents were quite clear about their thoughts on life and living. We watched two grandmother’s fade with dementia, and we discussed it. My siblings are also supportive and we used this to bring us closer together.

My hope is that you don’t repeat the mistake that put you in this position. Your job is to:

  1. Get your stuff organized
  2. Define your wishes using The Conversation Project to get talking or Five Wishes to create a plan that is legally binding in 42 states.
  3. Work with an estate lawyer to get at least  a durable power of attorney and medical directives in place (if you don’t use Five Wishes)
  4. Discuss your wishes and plans with those people who would be the ones to step in and help you.

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services reports that 7 out of 10 people turning 65 need long-term care services averaging 3 years. To me, that confirms that most American’s will have to accept that another person will be making choices about their healthcare, finances and living arrangements. Have you made sure those who will fill this role know what you want?

My siblings and I have made many decisions for my parent’s. The most difficult was having to opt not to start cancer treatments for my dad who was in a moderate stage of Alzheimer’s. Just the thought of this decision still brings tears to my eyes. However, I know we made the right choice for him because we had conversations about quality of life for years leading up to this event.

Four products to help you navigate these choices include:

Five Wishes lets your family and doctors know:

  • Who you want to make health care decisions for you when you can’t make them.
  • The kind of medical treatment you want or don’t want.
  • How comfortable you want to be.
  • How you want people to treat you.
  • What you want your loved ones to know.

The Conversation Project is dedicated to helping people talk about their wishes for end-of-life care

The Roadmap to the Rest of Your Life by Bart Astor will help you hone in on the options and the choices that you need to consider.

MemoryBanc: Your Workbook for Organizing Life is a practical system to help couples share account numbers, usernames, and medical and household details so that they can stay on the same page; it also provides individuals a solution to easily share this information should they ever need a loved one to step in and help them.

 

Worried about Mom’s Health and Safety

Many adult children start to notice changes in mom or dad. Depending on your family dynamic, you may know a lot or very little about what they have planned for the rest of their lives.  Many of us want to be able to help our parents if they needed it, and most of our parents are resistant to even consider asking for help from their children.

My suggestion is to start by sharing with your parents your plans. Do you have an estate plan in place? Have you named them as a guardian or executor? I’m surprised by how many people who think estate plans should be secret. Secret estate plans won’t help you when you need it. I sent copies of my completed estate plans to my three siblings and sat down and discussed it at length with my brother who would be guardian to my children along with my children one Saturday afternoon this winter. I could see the comfort on my 12-year old daughter’s face as we talked through the plan.

My children have watched as I’ve been the primary adult caregiver for my parents which I have been blogging about for several years on DealingwithDementia.org.  Had my parents not told me their plans and shared their wishes for retirement with me, my job would be so much more difficult and stressful. I know that I’ve been fulfilling their wishes to the best of my abilities.

It’s particularly important to do more than the estate lawyer, financial planner and insurance advisor recommend. You need to talk about your choices, leave a roadmap to your documents, accounts, and assets and repeat these conversations as time and circumstances allow.

I recommend you get your own house in order and use it to share with mom and dad what you are doing and even ask for their advice. It’s a great way to start a conversation.

Four products to help you navigate these choices include:

Five Wishes  is legally binding in 42 states and lets your family and doctors know:

  • Who you want to make health care decisions for you when you can’t make them.
  • The kind of medical treatment you want or don’t want.
  • How comfortable you want to be.
  • How you want people to treat you.
  • What you want your loved ones to know.

The Conversation Project is dedicated to helping people start the discussion about their wishes for end-of-life care.

The Roadmap to the Rest of Your Life by Bart Astor will help you hone in on the options and the choices that you need to consider.

MemoryBanc: Your Workbook for Organizing Life is a practical system to help couples share account numbers, usernames, and medical and household details so that they can stay on the same page; it also provides individuals a solution to easily share this information should they ever need a loved one to step in and help them.

Dad’s not here, but he lives on in many of us.

1970PromotionIt’s my first Father’s Day without Dad.

It was difficult for me to transition from the feeling of loss to find the strength he blessed me with. In memory of Dad, I’m sharing a picture of us at a promotion ceremony from either 1969 or 1970. My two brother’s are there with my Mom, my Dad’s brother and his parents. My Dad’s hand gently rests on my shoulder. I still feel him guiding me through life. He was fun, honorable and continues to live on in the many people who knew him.

Here’s to all the great father’s who have shaped us, guided us and demonstrated how to live a good life. Honored.

 

The Ultimate Mother’s Day Gift

redpresentI recently finished teaching a course for adults over 50 to help them gather their important papers and document their personal wishes. An important statistic I shared with them came from The National Clearinghouse for Long-Term Care Information, which reports that by the age of 65, 70 percent of Americans will need long-term care—and the average term is a little more than three years!

Several of my students were widows with grown children, and during the class, they approached me to ask about services that could help them manage if they needed support. They didn’t want to burden their children, and the isolation felt behind that simple question hurt. I know my Mom felt the same way, yet I believe most children would prefer to have this discussion with their parent rather than struggle through the issues my family faced (visit the first post on this blog if you are unfamiliar with our challenges in caring for two parents with dementia). I can imagine the hurt I would have felt had my Mom hired someone and not discussed her choice with me or one of my siblings.

While we have just celebrated Mother’s Day, I hope those of you in great health with vibrate families will consider celebrating your mom with the ultimate gift — your time. When you need this information is always a bad time to start the discussion. Every day is a good opportunity to let your mom or dad know that you are there and would like to help SHOULD they ever need it.

Good times to raise your offer include:

  • When they ask you to be their executor or share their estate planning documents with you.  Let them know you are honored to be asked and request that they schedule some time to sit with you to share the information you would need to fulfill this role.
  • When something has happened to a family friend. These are the best times to warmly ask how your parent might want you to help if your family was faced with a similar situation.
  • At family gatherings when you are all sitting around a table. You can ask open questions like “Have you noticed any changes or had to give up things you love since you have gotten older?” Once you find an opening to the discussion in a positive light, you should be able to build on that discussion.
  • If a parent has cognitive impairment, there may never be a good time. It could be that they don’t remember much of the information and are afraid to share it with you. In this case, you will have to work on finding mailings and checking files to collect the information. A cell phone with a camera can be an easy way to gather information without mom or dad feeling like you are sneaking around and taking their papers.
  • In general, you will need to be patient, take it slow and look for windows of opportunity to raise these issues.

When you are ready to sit down with Mom or Dad to gather this information, please use this list to identify the information you need. If you are interested in using the MemoryBanc Register which prompts you through the collection of all the needed information, any order placed in the month of May will receive a 20 percent discount when you add in the coupon code of “Mother”. Gifted. 

 

A Belated Love Note to Professional Care Givers

heartsAs I was cleaning out some old boxes of papers, I found a booklet on “Managing Alzheimer’s” that was given to my parent’s in 2010. We didn’t know of my father’s diagnosis until a neurologist and psychologist both reported their findings to us in 2012.

In 2010, my siblings and I all noticed a change in my Dad’s normal jovial behavior. He was solemn and talked very little. My brother and sister took him to his primary care provider who referred a local visiting medical service. A nurse visited him in his home every week for six weeks. She called me to say he and my Mom seemed to be doing alright, but told me she left some papers that might help.  I remember my Mom commenting on her visits – my parents had no idea why she was visiting them in their home. I’m sure I ended up with the booklet when my Mom was complaining about her last visit.

My Dad’s primary care doctor never alluded to any suspicion of Alzheimer’s — and I visited her with him at least twice after this referral. Looking back, I realize how many signs we had been given. It wouldn’t have changed the journey because my parent’s never acknowledged any issues and we worked to manage through while maintaining their dignity and independence.

Yesterday, as I was going through the mail to pay bills, I found a card from the Alzheimer’s Association that said my Dad had been donating since 2011. My parents habit was to review the charities each January and make one annual donation. In January, 2011, they added the Alzheimer’s Association to their list. My Dad never discussed any medical issues with any of us kids. We inserted ourselves into his care.  The only time he pushed back was when the psychologist was going to deliver the results of his neurological testing. He knew he did poorly, he told me so.

He only once mentioned the word Alzheimer’s to me, it was in the final month of his life. As we were in the waiting room to see the first oral surgeon about the lesion on his tongue — he pointed to an advertisement in the magazine and asked me if I knew anyone with Alzheimer’s.

I reflect back on the woman who visited my parents and who left these papers. She already knew and helped provide us with information using kid-gloves. It was all that would have been accepted. Professional Care Givers are a rare breed with skills that continue to elude me. My hope is that we all remember to thank them as often as we can. Reflected & Appreciated. 

Let’s not have the doctor tell your father he has Alzheimer’s

stethoscopeHeartWhile my parents are in Assisted Living and receive medical care and support for their activities of daily living, I still want to continue their habit of an annual physical with their military doctors. It allows me to ensure that I am well versed on their medical state, understand and ask questions. Most of their appointments in Assisted Living happen when I’m not present and it’s difficult to piece together from the reports. Many times I can’t read the doctor’s hand writing.

As we sit in the medical office waiting for the doctor to arrive, my Mom is telling me that Dad is not doing very well. She is angry that he doesn’t engage in more activities and won’t join us on our shopping trips. Repeatedly, I have shared that Dad can’t help that his brain has changed, which changes him. I tell her he might feel uncomfortable leaving their home. When my Mom continues to complain to me, I will usually softly tell her that Dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. “Oh” she replies.

This is not the first time I have told her this, but she doesn’t remember. I try my best not to resort to this because each time I tell her, it feels like she is hearing the news for the first time. Each time, she is noticeably saddened by the news.

She asks if this means she should be a little kinder to him. She admits to chiding him for sitting and reading all day and showing no interest in any activities. She knows that he is going to see the doctor after her and says “Let’s not have the doctor tell your father he has Alzheimer’s.” Beloved. 

How are your parents doing?

ForKayMany people ask this of me and I am pleased to share that my parents are happy. I know that my parents are not going to get better, this is a possibly a very long slow road of decline, but for now, I have a positive response when asked.

On my last visit, my mom had actually created a mail pile for me that included a bill and a check. She even put a label on the pile for me (see photo). Typically, I arrive at their apartment and as we are chatting, I will slowly wander around, pick up and sort through piles of mail, envelopes, papers and magazines.

I bring a large purse and casually drop in bills, magazine renewals and requests for donations that I find. Typically, the most important papers are in my parent’s bedroom — but I wait for an invitation to enter. On a weekly basis there is usually a reason my mom wants me to help her with something in the bedroom.

I will continue to respect their independence and tread lightly. It seems the less I push, the more they offer. Discovered.

 

Don’t lock the door

lockfrontdoorWhen my dad and I return from our trip to the grocery, we find that the bulk of the items have been moved. The new place is just a bedroom, living room and small kitchen area, so the movers got the bulk of the big furniture moved in a few hours, despite my mom’s interference.

Apparently while I was off with my dad, my mom went to speak to the Assistant Executive Director that she has known for more than a decade. She was very agitated by the moving and in order to placate her, he tells her they can visit their old apartment anytime they want. Oh no!

Maintaining access to the old apartment in Independent Living was not part of the game plan. Our goal was to move everything they needed and close down the old apartment. Given our parents inability to give up their town house and move into the retirement community full-time (even after the stroke and broken hip), we wanted this transition to be a clean break. We had their apartment in Independent Living rekeyed so we could ensure our parent’s would not be able to return.

By late afternoon, we are in the apartment working to pack up final items like pajama’s and toiletries. My brothers invite my parents to dinner so they could get them out of the apartment. We believe it’s critical that our parents stay in their new apartment tonight. My mom has said she plans on sleeping on the guest bed in their old apartment tonight. Before my parents and my brothers walk out the door, my dad instructs them: “don’t lock the door.”

My sister and I work a little longer and take the last of the boxes to the new apartment. As we leave, we diligently lock the door behind us. Closed 

It takes all four of us to manage the move

fourkids (2)The past year has made me regret not having more than two children. Since I grew up with four kids in my family, I always believed I would have four children myself. That was until I had the first one! He was a tough baby, or possibly, I was an ill-prepared mom.

I started late, having my first at 33, so that by the time I was ready and actually did get pregnant, my second arrived to a 38-year-old mother. Given all the high-risk discussions and the additional needs just a second child brought, my husband and I felt for us, it was too late to have more. I am lucky to have two healthy kids.

On the day of the move with my parent’s, we can barely manage my mom between the four of us. Our game plan was that two of us would give our parents a specific task to keep them busy while the other two would manage the move and movers. My mom always behaved nicer when there were two children in front of her — she would often bully you if you showed up alone.

When the movers arrived we have them start with the bedroom. While they are loading up the furniture, we task our parents to decide which sofa set they want in the new apartment. My sister and I invite my dad to go to the new apartment.  My mom is furiously trying to redirect the movers. My dad invites my mom along and she comes with us to the new apartment. Our job is to kill time so the movers can move.

After we linger in the apartment, we suggest getting lunch. On our way to the dining room, my mom sees their furniture being moved down the hall and takes off for their old apartment. My dad decides to follow me into the lunch room. My sister takes off to the old apartment after my mom.

My dad and I order lunch and try to find a topic to discuss. It’s only been two hours since breakfast so I’m unable to really eat anything. I know if I don’t eat, my dad won’t eat so I try to at least fill up my plate with a salad and some fruit and move it around on my plate.

My dad is ready for this move and does not want to fight it. My mom is making him very uncomfortable. I ask if he will come with me to the grocery store and we can pick up some of his favorites snacks for the new apartment. He agrees.

My mom and sister make their way to lunch and we tell them of our plans. We invite my mom along with us. She is not interested.

We all go back to the apartment and my mom is very upset. She keeps trying to tell the movers to put the furniture back and runs to the office of the Executive Director. I leave my mom to my siblings to manage and take my dad out to shop. Wandered.